Jacksta B's guide to.... training your "baby daddy"

Jacksta B’s Guide to training your Baby Daddy.

You may be pregnant with your first baby, filled with anticipation of seeing and meeting your new bundle of joy. What will he/ she look like? Will the birth go according to plan? How will I get the hang of breastfeeding? What kind of mum will I be? These are all valid questions but one of the most important questions to ask yourself is… will my “Baby Daddy” (father of the baby) cope!

Feel free to disagree, but I feel that in most mothers there is an inbuilt mothering instinct. We carry our precious offspring around for 9 months and after we give birth that bond just seems to be established much more definitely than for the daddy.

I have a fantastic husband, and he is a great father to our kids so I thought I would share some ideas to get that baby daddy in your life primed and ready to go with the huge life change that is about to happen in both of your lives.

1) Encourage Baby Daddy to attend as many appointments during the pregnancy as possible. We were really blessed in our first pregnancy that we both worked shift work. So I would try and pick times for our appointments when we were both free so we could both hear that precious heartbeat together. If he can’t attend them all I would recommend the minimum to be the ultrasound. There is something special about seeing the intricate details of your baby’s anatomy together that makes it so real and exciting.

2) Make your birth partner your Baby Daddy. Give him and only him this task. Some mums do themselves a disservice by picking their mums or best friends over their own baby daddy to be their birth partner. Why? You are pretty much saying from the outset that you don’t trust them to be there for you at the biggest event of your lives. It sets a precedent for the rest of the time devaluing his input as a dad. He should be in awe of what you go through during labour, because it is amazing and amazingly painful! This alone will always be great leverage for a multitude of future squabbles.

3) Give Baby Daddy dibs on the first bath. The sooner he gets used to handling your new baby, the sooner he gains that valuable confidence. Many dads are afraid they are going to break them or drop them somehow, so encouraging him to “get in there” really helps. I would recommend getting him to do it regularly. Make sure baby is well fed and in a happy mood. Set the bath up and clothes to change into and let baby and baby daddy bond in a nice relaxed way.

4) Don’t criticize the way he does stuff. There is nothing a baby daddy hates more than hearing… "you are doing it all wrong!”, pretty soon he will give up, thinking well I can’t do it right so I won’t do it at all. Not good for his self esteem and not good for you because you’ll have to do it all yourself. Try encouraging him instead. Even if he puts the size 2 jump suit on your 6 month old baby; and backwards to boot. When he uses 20 baby wipes to clean up smelly number two’s, praise him for a clean, clean baby. Eventually we all become more adept at these all too familiar tasks and pretty soon he’ll be showing you how he can clean the worst baby explosion with a single wipe! Men are competitive…and thrive on encouragement and challenges.

5) Let your Baby Daddy feed the baby at times, either expressed milk in a bottle or formula if that’s what you do – they secretly enjoy snuggling up with a content child. It sure beats being constantly being handed a screaming baby to try and soothe when you’ve reached the end of your tether.

6) Make sure Baby Daddy has a little time out of his own. He will soon become resentful of the fact that his day is working and then coming home to family to do more “ work”. Encourage him to have some time out doing some exercise or pursuing a hobby or familiar interest. He will be happier for it.

7) Chuck Baby Daddy in the deep end from time to time. Sometimes you just have to leave him to it, give him all the things he needs for a couple of hours and head out for a little a time out of your own. He may surprise you and himself. Let him know that you need some time out too.

8) Make sure Baby Daddy still feels loved and appreciated. In those first months you may feel like you have nothing left to give when you are giving it all to the little one. He can feel a little left out when your focus is not on him, so a little hand squeeze or a thank you lets baby daddy know that you still love and appreciate him.

9) Baby Daddy loves to show off his precious offspring in public. Let him do the honours of pushing the pram or carrying them to see friends and work mates to ooh and ahh over. He’ll love it. If you need to rescue your child from an obviously struggling baby daddy, do so discreetly and with a ‘thanks for giving it a go’ attitude. Never Ever undermine his parenting in public. Baby daddy’s confidence will disintegrate before your eyes.

10) Let your Baby Daddy be the dad. Our job is to nurture, organize routines, and make sure they are eating healthy… etc… all the boring mushy stuff. Dads just want to get in there with a bit of throwing in the air, rough and tumble play, and kick a ball around. Just let him get in there and do it. Of course he might need reminding that the 3 monther might not appreciate his first fishing trip yet… and that he might like to wait a little longer to take him paint balling, but when the times right, just let him do what he know best, which is to be the dad.

There you have it, my top 10 tips on how to train your baby daddy. Don't forget parenting is a learning process for both you.

Thanks to my Baby Daddy, my consultant on these tips. All the best on your parenting journey ahead.

Jacksta B

Jacksta B's guide to... feeding your new sprog

Today I'm wearing an under wire...yes that's right...time to hang up the maternity bra for the third (and hopefully final) time. A week and half ago the bubba(9months) and I came to a mutual agreement that we were both done. I had been slowly weaning to a bottle anyway...having headed back to work part time for a few months anyway. With the last two feeders I would usually cut down to a couple of feeds and then finally stop by around 11months. So the sudden stop has been a bit painful. But all done now!
I have a love-hate relationship with breastfeeding. Some mums love that little bond that only they get to share with their little bubs, and I get that. But for me...it was just a means to an end. The baby needed to be fed and I had the "equipment". So after a little reflection on the whole topic...I thought I would share some of my personal thoughts on the matter.

Jacksta B's guide to... feeding your baby...
What I wish someone had honestly told me in the beginning.
Top 10 tips...First five on breast feeding and second five on formula feeding

1) It takes two to tango. There are two people who need to figure breastfeeding out. You may have read all the books but the baby hasn't. Learning the process between you both takes time, a good 6 weeks to 3months by the time you might feel might feel comfortable feeding in public.

2) Sometimes it hurts. I hated the way midwives or the books stated "It's not supposed to hurt". "Well it does!!!" I felt like yelling back. You are made to feel bad because of improper positioning etc...I think that some of us just have extra sensitive "areola", so they should just say that! Try some different positions, dose yourself up on as much pain relief and and nipple cream and try and push through. Again this may take a while.

3) Be discreet in public. Not every cafe or restaurant patron appreciates seeing boobies flung around. Not everybody thinks its as beautiful and natural as you do, so for their sakes have a little consideration. Just take a little muslin or something handy to protect from the inevitable flashes.
If you are keen to have a coffee somewhere, time it so you give bubba a feed before you head out. He sleeps dreamily while you relaxingly sip your mochacinno. Win-win! My first baby had her best sleeps in the cafe...obviously familiar sounds.

4) They leak at the most embarrassing times... So wear a breast pad. Even during *ahem* "getting your love on". So you might want to keep your bra on or have a towel handy.
It took me a few months to figure out how to control a "leak". When you are having a let down the other one starts to leak too! Annoying! So I eventually figured all you have to do is apply a little pressure right on the front on the breast and wait until the let down passes.

5) Sometimes no matter how hard you try...and how much you want to breastfeed...for what ever reason it just doesn't work out. And that's okay. Don't ruin your own mental health or the health of your baby just because the ideology of breastfeeding that's rammed down our throat makes you feel guilty for wanting or needing to formula feed. I read somewhere..."Breast is best, but bottle can be beautiful"

6) Formula feeding tips...try a different teat. There are a range of shapes and sizes, you may need to try a few to find the one your baby likes the most. Have a good supply of bottles so that you always have one handy, clean and ready to go.

7) Formula is expensive, so work it in the budget. Poorer families have been known to water down the feeds to stretch it a little longer. This is not a good idea. Follow the instructions on the tin precisely to avoid bubba getting sick.

8) Plan, plan, plan. Keep a rough idea of when your feeding times are and plan accordingly. Always keep yourself a tin of formula ahead of what you need just in case. A storm or power outage or earthquake, who knows what other natural disasters lurk around the corner in these unpredictable times. So be ready with some bottled water and extra tins so your baby is able to be fed what ever the case. Store extra supplies in the car for unanticipated stops away from home too.

9) Health professionals are on a push to encourage "breast is best" so don't have or provide information about which specific formulas are best etc. It all comes down to personal choice and personal research and trial and error. Google is your friend and a few brands have sample sized sachets to try. Always follow the instructions on the packet.

10) Ditch the guilt. As far as I'm concerned if your baby is fed, clothed, warm and loved...you are probably doing more than 50% of some of the mums in the world. Plenty of people have been given formula and survived till adulthood...happens everyday. I for one was formula fed. Before formula was invented in the 1970's, infants drank a evaporated milk substance...see history here so the modern day stuff is probably miles better, as long as its done with safe drinking water and sterilized etc.

What ever you decide breast or bottle, its okay! You are in control of your choices and that's nobodies business. Make an informed choice with you and your partner and get on with it. Keep in perspective. There will be a million choices you will face as a parent. This is just one.

I hope I have given a balanced view and some helpful tips on the topic...and all the best!

image from here

thefastertimes.com

Jacksta B's guide to....fitting in at coffee groups.

I've just returned from a morning at my local Mums group. I always leave encouraged and inspired for another week ahead of the relentlessly tiresome job of mothering. But it hasn't always been this way. When I first became a mummy 7 years ago, breaking in to the coffee group scene was tricky! At the time I didn't have any friends who were pregnant with me. I was in paid employment before but had decided to take the full year off maternity leave thereby leaving the workplace social interaction. With most of my friends unmarried, childfree and carefree it meant I had to find some other mums for company. Enter the big wide world of mums groups. So after 7 years experience of mums/coffee groups I thought I might give a New Mums Guide to fitting in at Coffee groups.

1) Try and find one person you know and go to a group together. At least you will both be in the same boat and can hang together while you make new friends.

2) Smile and be friendly. I know it sounds obvious, but go with the intention of making new friends. No one is likely to approach you if you have "do not disturb" written all over your face. And like wise don't be afraid to approach someone new. You already have one thing in common, you are all mums! Things like "how old is your little one?" or "Whats her name?" are always good starts to conversation.

3) Practice the art of empathy. If a mum says to you "Man! I have been up 3 times last night with little Jonny" Instead of saying "What! he doesn't sleep through the night yet?!" Something more along the lines of "Wow that must be so tough for you". At the end of the day we all just want to be listened to.

4)Try not to think of them as "clicky" groups. It is hard when you go to a group that feels "clicky". Understand that people have already established relationships before the day you arrive. So it is natural for them to talk to each other like they already know each other, because they do. Its just a natural social interaction. Just try and find one person from the group, establish a friendship with them first and they might fill you in on everyone else so you can fit in a bit more next time.

5) Its not a competition. Sometimes you come across other mums who feel the need to use their children as a props to their ego. Children shouldn't be used for this! You are always going to find someone elses child crawled early, walked early, slept through the night early. Each child grows and develops at their own pace. If you come across someone like this who wants you to know there little Jonny is the bee knees, just nod and smile.

6) Try and find something else in common with each other, other than your kids. Crafts, work projects, where you are from, what brand of coffee you like....anything! Our lives are not all kids and neither should our conversation be. Its easier to connect with someone when you have at least one other thing in common.

7) If at first you don't succeed try again. If coffee groups don't work for you try a preschool activity like Mainly music or swimming lessons. This way you are doing an activity together and can have coffee later to continue the conversation. If you find it hard to fit in at one group or it really isn't working for you try a new one.

Being a new mother can be isolating enough without staying home all day and watching daytime TV. So get out there and use this opportunity to make new friends. It will enrich your life and and your child's life too!